Nadia Tourjman, a Melkite Catholic, writes for young women.

Nadia Tourjman, a Melkite Catholic, writes for young women.

Before you start reading this, I hope you know that God loves you and cares for you. Although we hear this all the time, sometimes we convince ourselves otherwise. Why do we do this? Well, for me I get lazy, tired, unmotivated, and scared. When I first started my faith journey about 3 ½ years ago, I was constantly living in two worlds; one world consisted of my old ways and the other world consisted of this young lady drawn to the beauty of God. After a few years, I chose a side, and I was finally able to focus on God. This does NOT mean I suddenly became perfect. I still had all of my flaws but I learned to live with them and appreciate them. God created me in a unique way and I trust that my imperfections are beautiful in His eyes. It takes time to transform into a child of God, so don’t try to make it happen over night.

A few years ago, when I would get unmotivated and feel worthy, I would pull myself away from God for months at a time. There was always an excuse to not pray, not go to church, and not be the best version of myself. Through this phase, I still found beauty and peace when I did pray and when I did go to church, but I was constantly being pulled in so many directions and it confused me. I am at a point in my life now where no matter what happens, I do believe in God and always will. I have not mastered the art of praying, meditating, and reading the bible daily, but I do find a way to thank God for my blessings every single day. 

Being a Christian is not always rainbows and butterflies, it takes faith and constant commitment. On November 8, 2015, my best friend since 7th grade passed away. The first week after she died, I actually tried to pray and go to adoration and do anything I could to get comfort from Our Father. The following weeks were much harder, I started to feel extremely angry, confused and empty. I noticed myself becoming spiritually dry because I wasn’t able to have focused prayer. I was feeling very fed up with everything and wasn’t giving myself TIME to grieve.

The beauty of this tragedy is the fact that I am able to rest in Our Father’s arms. This past Sunday, I went to Mass alone. I sat in the very front and right when the choir started singing the opening hymn, I started crying. It was as if God was telling me to just let go and relax. I felt this great peace and it gave me rest.

After receiving the Eucharist, I knelt down and rested on the pew in front of me and just started venting. I told God how angry I was and how hurt I have been feeling after Rita died. I started heavily weeping and kept explaining how unfair this was and how I didn’t get to spend enough time with her. I told Him how bad I feel for her family and her friends. I bitterly lamented the fact that Rita was only 22. I told Him how much I love her and how much I’m going to miss her. I couldn’t stop crying. My heart was heavy and my face was covered the entire time. I had forgotten I was even in a church with hundreds of people around me.

Through this time of despair, I felt the powerful and pure presence of God. I felt like it was just me and Him alone and I knew He was listening. Moments like this with God are what push me to become a better person because I know that His unexplainable love and beauty are always accessible. I finished my prayers, wiped, my tears (blew my nose), and sat back in the pew. I was renewed in Christ, and it didn’t matter that I fell short the prior weeks. God was waiting for me to vent because He loves me and is always there for me.

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